I am what they call a drama queen. I am emotional, expressive and overwhelming. I manage to hide it from people I’ve just met, but those who spend some proper time with me… oh, they know. Yes, inside of me there live hundreds of different feelings and their interpretations. But what if I weren’t like that?
When I was a teenager I watched “The Vampire Diaries” series. You know, about the girl who fell in love with a cute ancient vampire who has a brother who is a hot ancient vampire. Anyways, I mentioned the show because the vampires there were able to switch off their humanity and stop feeling anything (except pleasure from killing and sex but we won’t mention this; oops, just did).
What if I were able to do so? Turn my “excessive feelings mode” off. Or if I was just born a carefree
bi girl with emotions always somewhere in the middle.
My life would probably be easier, calmer and safer. Let’s see.
When I was in high school, I attended so many contests it’s hard to count them all. Language, history, literature, biology… I was very ambitious and wanted to show what I was capable of. But unfortunately, life is not always fair (or so we think).
Once I sat with my friend at a history contest and he asked me to help him and I did. And he won. And I lost. Well, technically speaking.
I cried. I really did. In the school’s corridor. Sitting on a bench, sobbing like an idiot while my favourite History teacher was trying to calm me down.
I had absolutely no reason to cry. So if I were a carefree girl, I would not cry. I’d be indifferent.
Going back further, when I was about 9, I transferred into an elite private school. I suddenly found myself surrounded by mostly rich kids who spoke about their parents’ incomes, who always had new cell phones, who were dressed in designer clothing and who… didn’t like me. My first year of studies there was far from pleasant. I often cried, a few times complained to the teachers and many times – to my parents. They tried everything they could but kids can be cruel, you know.
Once a girl took my jacket and wouldn’t let it go. She put it on, she started teasing me, then she said something offensive about my parents. I didn’t cry that time. Instead, I took her jacket. Only I didn’t put it on. I threw it onto the ground and started jumping on it. Fiercely. Needless to say, everybody was shocked. Including the teachers who noticed me and punished me for that. Me, not her.
I had no reason to be so outrageous. So if I were a carefree girl, I would not burst into anger. I’d be indifferent.
Back to the recent past. When I came to Canada, the Border Office in the airport issued me a Study Permit that said I couldn’t work while studying. This happens once in a million (well, maybe a tiny bit more often) and I was the lucky one.
Multiple times have I tried to amend those stupid conditions. I tried calling the Immigration Centre, I wrote to them, I sent them my documents, I spoke to an immigration consultant at college… Did I cry?
Oh no, sir. I wept, I yelled, I fell into hysteria a few times and once, I even threw a lunch box against the wall (it was plastic, no worries). Voilá. That’s me and my emotions.
I had no reason to be so dramatic. So if I were a carefree girl, I would not act like a psychopath. I’d be indifferent.
Present time. I’m writing this piece. I’m putting all my heart into it and sharing some really personal stuff. While I’m doing this, I’m both excited and anxious.
I’m anxious because I don’t know if you’ll like it. I’m not sure if you’ll find it inspirational, like it’s supposed to be (just wait for it). I don’t even know if you’ll read it, for God’s sake!Cause maybe you don’t find me interesting enough. (Or interesting at all)
I have no reason to be so worried. So if I were a carefree girl, I would not panic at all. I’d be indifferent.
Yep. There is a morale to all this story.
You see, I can’t be indifferent. It’s just not who I am. I cry, I get angry, I get upset and occasionally throw plastic things against the walls (but like, very rarely). And I move on. I evolve.
Situation #1. I realize now how stupid my whole perception of marks and school performance was. I wanted to be the best and I cried when I wasn’t. I cried and cried and cried until one day I stopped and realized. First, marks and contests don’t mean much as they don’t always show your true skills and knowledge. Second, life is not fair but it’s a great learning experience, so embrace it. Third and most important, I don’t have to be the best in everything. This is not possible, this is not right and this is not even fun.
Yes, I still study well at college. But simply because I let myself follow my passion and my passion leads me. I don’t want to be best, I want to be better than before.
No more crying.
Situation #2. Funny fact: after my “tiny” burst of anger, I finally made peace with my classmates. I learnt how to stand up for myself . And I realized it wasn’t me who was weak because I let my emotions burst, but they were the ones who lost the game.
Nobody can insult me any more. Because I know my worth.
No more rage.
Situation #3. My issue with the documents is coming to a happy end. After multiple painful attempts to bottle up my hatred towards local bureaucracy, I changed my tactics. I started writing. In my Instagram account, I share useful info about moving to Canada – whether it’s for studies or work or even travel. I receive so many nice words from people saying I’m helping them a lot. Believe me guys, it’s you who are helping me.
No more hysteria.
Situation #4. My anxiety about whether you’ll like this or not pushes me to come up with unexpected ideas, to polish my writing skills and to share personal experience.
No more anxiety. I will still be worried about my writing, but that’s okay. I can bear it 😉
Guys, all I want to say is this – it doesn’t matter if you cry, yell and overreact sometimes. Unless you harm people (well, maybe just their jackets 🙄), it’s okay. You’re okay. Seriously, you are. And if you think you’re being weak, you are not. You are just being HUMAN.
Here’s what I’ve come across just this morning:
You will continue to suffer if you have an emotional reaction to everything that is said to you. True power is sitting back and observing everything with logic. True power is restraint.
Awesome. But you know what. F*ck you. I want to have an emotional reaction to everything! My true power are my emotions. I’ll cry, yell and move on.
Maybe I am a carefree b*tch after all.
See ya my curious friends 👋🏽